Emotional

Tired.  Emotional.  And just sad. 

This is me tonight.  I have been feeling a bit melancholy this week.  Missing my family.  Thinking about things I will miss with our new little one. And yet knowing that he will never doubt for one minute that I love him.  Sierra and Joey are in Utah. I am so glad she is getting a break from my dad.  Living with him has been less than ideal.  Much, much less. This evening as she arrived in Utah he sent a not very nice text to her.  Unecccesary and particularly unkind.   I am mad.  So, so mad.  I don’t want to have anything to do with him at the moment.  Sierra needs to get out of his house as soon as she can. But she is trapped.  For now.  My dad has no idea of the hurt he causes.  If you tell him he laughs it off. He is difficult.  He loves us. It is especially hard when someone who loves you hurts you so deeply but doesn’t acknowlegde it.  My dad took a wrong turn in his life long ago.  When I was 7. He was packing to move out of our house and I wrote him a note asking him not to forget me.  I cried when I wrote it. I distinctly remember my tears falling on the paper.  I forgave him for leaving. I forgave him for not being there. I forgave him for raising someone else’s kids.  I forgave him for leaving me behind.  Our relationship was fairly good.  He has always had his issues but he has been there for me in the best way he knew how.   He said wanted Sierra to come and live with him.  He didn’t mean it. Or at least it seems like he didn’t.  Forgiveness will come for this latest transgression.  I just feel hurt so deeply.  I have been thinking about Christ today. How he felt all of our hurt in the garden of Gethsemane.  Only the Son of God could have bore such pain.  I imagine it lasted a long time.  One day when I see him again.  I will thank him for walking beside me during these times of sadness and pain.   

This is my grandmother.  My dads mom.  It was her birthday this past week.  She died when I was just 14.  How I wish I had been able to know her longer on this earth.  She had a wonderful laugh. She loved to read, she loved to cook and was amazing at it.  She was a talented seamstress and dancer.  I was one of the youngest cousins, only Ty was younger than me, Grandma let me be loud and play in her flour drawer as long as I washed my hands.  She pushed me on the tire swing out behind the porch leaving black marks on the house.  She loved me.  

I am looking forward to conference weekend.  I need to come and listen to a prophets voice.  To be comforted.  To feel the spirit.